I might give in BUT NEVER UP

Probably with a smile on my face, my hand stubbornly tugged with an attitude in the side of my hip and that twinkle in my eye. You might catch me saying: "I might give in.... but never up!"  Easier said than done!

After our first year of living in a village in Central Asia friends from home came to visit us. We sat outside on the common porch area on the flat traditional mattresses drinking green tea out of chinese printed cups. Our friend popped a very normal question. But his response on my answer probably was the most penetrating eye opening   truth that  someone has ever spoken into my heart. "How are you doing?" he asked. "Not so well! I am struggling emotionally and spiritually with the primitive life we live, learning the culture and language and just getting through every day." I answered with a lump in my throat.

Karin: "Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick!" How true it was. I was hoping for so many things as always.... things that often never came through. I was tiered of persevering, enduring, trying and hoping. I was giving in....

Recently I was walking home with a dear friend and mother of six young girls early one morning after a women's prayer time. We were talking about our lives. She was wondering out loud how we women live with all these daily demands culturally, learning the language, juggling family life, home schooling and being a good neighbor in the community we live and work. How do we get through every day?

We are "holiday sitting" a few pets over the summer. Some pets are pure endurance to take care of. From a jumping turtle to a drooling long hair dog that likes to shake his head when you get close with spit splashing every where.

The turtle jumped his dish again recently. This time we did not found him but only after three days in very hot dry weather conditions. He was cruising under dusty dry couches and probably beds. He was covered with fluff and hair and in a weak dry state but alive.

Something about this turtle touched my heart for myself in my own situation. Again I am at a place in my life where the outside pressures and stress are talking its toll. I feel "Hope deferred" and robbed of joy and perseverance to fight this fight. My husband has been often ill over the last few years. Two days ago suddenly he could not bend his knee when getting out of bed. He probably has to get an operation this week. My teenage daughter has unexpectedly and alarming been loosing weight and tests show she has an  infection that her body has been fighting. Daily life has been more challenging than normal with deadlines and just life.

I have been embracing myself time and time again this last year. It feels like the one thing after the other like waves rolling out on a beach coming our way. I want to cry out: "Lord!!!!!" Feeling like jumping the dish like the turtle has. Throwing hope in the air and hoping to land softly.

Where I often do not understand the why's in the trials. I know it is in the battles we face and fight that we grow strong. I can't but He can..... Yes, I might give in for a moment but I know I will not give up! I see Him walking holding my hand. Encouraging me through every unexplainable battle. The glory belongs to Him..... by me persevering and enduring in joy He gets the glory. I might give in under the pressure of events but seeing Him cheering me on, carrying and guiding me through I choose to NOT GIVE UP....