You Know the Depth of my Heart……
I went on the bus down the long hill into the city on a little very needed personal retreat….. Sitting there at the open window with the Spring wind playing through my hair and my face raised like a sunflower bathing in the sunlight…… desperately grabbing in my heart for answers and comfort listening to worship music, seeking God to bring peace to the storm that I experience deep within. I kept reminding myself that: “The Joy of the Lord is my strength!” This morning in school I prayed out loud at a moment of battle with my overwhelming emotions: “Lord I choose to praise you, I choose to see you in the midst of my struggle, I’m asking for wisdom and strength, you are my light and my salvation, I choose to see You as the Anchor in my storm….” When I looked up I caught my seven year old daughter Talitha wide eyed watching me as I wiped the tear rolling down my cheek.
I’m struggling with feelings of desperation, tiredness, weariness and just feeling overwhelmed with demands of life. I went to hide, pray, write and drink coffee at a place that I love, one thing for the cheap coffee and free refills and the other for the atmosphere. I sat there thinking over the last few weeks in my life as it feels the most intense emotionally and wondered what was going on. Do I have deep unresolved issues surfacing, do I have blind spots I’m missing? Is God at work or am I being ignorant? My heart feels like the box of Pandora in the Greek myth when it opened and all these horrible things jumped out!
I sat there running my thoughts through events taking its toll on my emotions and life…the kids going to local school, the pressure of their adjustment not to only school in a different language but culture and mountains of homework in it, supporting my youngest daughter Talitha with learning and doing it in a new language. Keeping my two year old boy Andrew happy during these intense school mornings where he is battling for his time with his mommy. My dad being diagnosed with cancer recently…..and receiving radiation therapy, I’m feeling so helpless knowing my mom needs more support. Wondering and hoping that our visa will come thru after waiting for a year and half now. Etienne my husband is finally over his burnout after struggling for quite a while. The pressure of living in a different culture trying to find our place and way and becoming part of a neighborhood and getting to know my neighbors and really trying to have a grip on the language. Oh and off course keeping up a household and the pressures of being a good mom, wife with cooking and cleaning. Struggling to loose weight going from the one “good idea” in loosing weight to the other with very little results. Wondering about my hormones as I feel like I’m living on the edge of something that does not “feel right”. Looking back at these it feels almost to much to handle.
As I was sitting there drinking coffee thinking and pondering I heard and look over to see a little girl threw this huge tantrum kicking and screaming on the floor. I sat their thinking with a smile, not such a bad idea at all! I just sat there in peace and contentment sipping my coffee thinking how nice and thoughtful it was of Etienne to send me out of the house today to go somewhere and spend some time on my own to reflect and pray. Life is good! Thank you Lord that in the midst of my storm and struggles you are my Anchor and Provider….you have always been there. I can take time somewhere and spend it in your care and comfort.
As I got on the bus to come back home a man behind me did not have enough money on his bus card to pay for the trip. I remembered myself a few months ago falling over the first step of a full bus with my way to heavy grocery bags and food rolling down the ile of the bus and then on top of that not having enough money to pay for my trip. I remembered this kind man picking up my groceries and this sweet old lady paying for my trip. So I swiped my card twice in gratefulness, joy and thanksgiving, knowing Jesus would have done the same!
Sitting on the bus trip climbing the hill back home I listened to Chris Tomlin sang…….”you know the depth of my heart and you love me the same…..you are amazing God!” I marveled in God’s goodness and His understanding of all I’m going through, and as the bus turned the street corner at the local school in our neighborhood, I scanned over the sea of dark haired kids on the playground seeing if I could see my blond hair, blue eyed little girl hopping and playing. I felt grateful, ready and refreshed to come home and be where God has made and prepared a place for me……With my hand in His then I made a new commitment and choice and it was as if in my heart I was touched and strengthened. I don’t have easy answers for issues and emotions I’m working through but I know you are here Lord seeing my desperate state of mind and heart…..BUT YOU LOVE ME THE SAME……YOU ARE AMAZING GOD……
