Familiar has a Different Meaning

Turning forty last year was a big issue for me. It really felt like the big "four" had arrived. On my birthday as also in the beginning of a new year I asked the Lord for a Word from His heart, a story or a verse from the Bible for the coming year or spiritual season ahead.

You don't have to be a regular Bible reader to know about Psalm 23 where Jesus is portrayed as the Good Shepherd. This beautiful but well known piece in the Bible leaves comforting thoughts behind of the Shepherd leading His sheep in green pastures and besides quiet waters.

You have guess, I felt Psalm 23 as the word in my heart for the new year. At first I thought. "No, this is my own thoughts, there must be a more original, exciting piece of scripture for this Big Day of mine". Psalm 23 just felt to known, plain and trodded through. As I sat and waited feeling in my heart for any other impression, there was nothing more. This Psalm settled in my heart like a letter being dropped of in the post box by the mail man.

So there it was Psalm 23 as my message, story and assigned companion for the next season. At first I felt a bit uncomfortable with this known message. I did not seek or asked anymore questions on this. "I know Psalm 23, the beautiful message of the Shepherd being there for the sheep." Even Psalm 23 portraying the Shepherd as the gentle, kind leader leading His sheep....knowing their hearts, ways and needs. Leading them gently but knowing what He wants for the sheep. Knowing more what they need than what they know or even can perceive themselves.

As we all know and have experienced life has it's green pastures and quiet times. But it does not stay or end there. It has it's deep, dark valleys and His rod and staff....Those are the parts in the Psalm I often do not want to think about too much, pain and suffering is not something I want to invite. As profound as it might sound, if it was not for the dark valleys I would not have known and trusted the Shepherd as I do now. Would I have trusted my all to Him truly if I did not know His voice of love, compassion and kind direction through the dark valleys. He carries me through these desperate and dark times.

What about the "staff that comforts me", those words of truth and correction spoken in love...often by a friend. In those dark valleys it is not easy..but He is always with me....He never said that it would be easy. But He did say that He will be with us.

The different seasons of life, often even the different hours in a day feels like it embraces different verses in this Psalm. When I read this Psalm it feels like I'm on a roller coaster ride. Then up high in the mountains and green pastures and then suddenly down in the valley of suffering and death. Then again climbing the mountain in anticipation of a beautiful view longing for the green pastures of peace and rest.

I think what makes this Psalm so real and alive and for sure a favorite among many people is the promise of the Shepherd being the Comforter. That after the dark valley He always leads us besides quiet waters and restores our soul.

This Psalm is now deeply embedded in my heart. I can not help but smile when I hear it read, sang or quoted, how familiar and comforting. It's words create a picture... but the Shepherd being there makes it beautiful....and special.

No Visa No Way BUT His Way

"The Government has refused renewing our visas!" My husband shocked uttered these words. "What does it mean?" I asked, barely being able to handle the depth of my emotions welling up. "We can not go back!" I feared hearing this answer for many years but knew some day it will come. We can not go back...I repeated these words over and over in my mind like I wanted it to rather change over like a coin. I felt shivers of shock, disbelieve running up and down my body. It made way for disappointment and anger...

It is my home, my life, my house, we live there, my children's hearts will be broken. What about my dear friends there, my neighbors and all I love and know. What and how are we going to tell the children? My dear children, it is the only home they have ever known since they were tiny babies. These questions raced endlessly through my mind.

How can this happen now, while we are not even in the country? How mean can they be? We do not even have the opportunity to say goodbye, pack up our home, our stuff after nine years. The next few weeks following this sad news went by in a blur, on hold..and I played events out over and over in my mind. I had so many questions and my heart felt stripped and was throbbing and aching for my host country, now only a dream.

"Think about your children, you can not take the risk to go back and land up in jail." friends were advising us. Some advice sadly and heart piercing were: "Just leave it all, don't go back. You did not have much anyway!" Yes we did not own the house we lived in and the few pieces of furniture were second hand. The car was not much worth either, the school books we can replace. We can gather up some new dolls and toys where ever we will go again.

BUT how can I tell my heart to not ache and grief for this nation and people, this people group God has called us to lay down our lives for. I can not just give it all up and wave goodbye. These are my people this is my inheritance. I love my neighbors. I suffered, laughed, grieved, rejoiced about new babies being born, danced and weddings. Sat through power failures in the cold winters at candlelight and had no running water for weeks at a time. Cooked many pots of rice with friends on the open fire. My heart can not just wave this off!

As a family we prayed, seeked council and advice. We decided to go back for a period of a week as our visas only expired in a few weeks. We felt encouraged by God to go back, support the church there and say goodbye. How my heart ached to leave the children behind at our parents. Not knowing if all were clear with our visas as we understood.

As the airplane touched down in the capital city we took hands and prayed. I felt the words of this song welled up in my heart. "Jesus great above all." We were somewhat nervous as we handed our passports in at passport control. What if they refused our entry, what if they keep us on the airport for days, what if they put us in jail? It felt like minutes ticking by as the policeman at passport control scanned our photos and typed our information onto the computer. People impatiently behind us started commenting on why were he taking so much time. I left out a soft but deep sigh of relieve as he picked up and stamped our passports. I could not helped it but tears of relieve were streaming uncontrolably as we gathered our one suitcase and headed out for the last police check. The policeman wanted to know why I was crying. With a big smile I said: "Oh I'm so happy to be back!" Little did he really know about the full truth of this.

Dear friends received us at the airport with a big bunch of flowers, many tight hugs and encouragement. "You can not go to the village." They warned us. "Your house helper has been interogated and questioned by the police about your work. There was a Court case against you for being involved in religious activity. It is to dangerous." they warned.

After coming home from the airport I layed my eight big box action packers on the floor and went from room to room and drawer to drawer picking out what I really wanted. Most of the boxes were filled with books and sentimental objects. The hardest was going into the children's room and having to pick through their stuff and make decisions on what is valuable and what not.

Yes, we did decide to go to our friends in the village to support and encourage them. We felt the Lord urging us to do this. One evening after dark a friend drove us in his car to the village we lived and worked for seven years. The gate of the high walled yard were quickly opened and closed as we drove in, not to draw much attention. There they all were our dear local friends, teammates and now closer than family. That evening as my husband likes to say: "There were no cultural boundaries, just friends that loved one another." As we greeted, we cried, laughed and hugged one another with such joy but deep sadness.

I was so proud of my husband as he brought the most important but last message to this dear group of people, we talked and shared till late that night. The next morning before sunrise we left again. As we drove away from this place my heart was breaking. Tears were streaming down my face. I felt the words forming in my heart..."Don't be sad you will come back one day." These words brought such comfort and peace to the ache of having to say goodbye for ever.

Looking back now a few years down the road, we are living in a new host culture. God has carried us through this very difficult time. He was and is faithful in every way. Our dear friends in the village still have a very deep and special part in my heart and life, and I think it will always be like this.

Tweetie-bird Gliding High like an Eagle

HAPPY BIRTHDAY has become more than just, having a great day, feeling special and loved, getting many nice great gifts. It is celebrating a life that was born. Being a unique person loved by God living on this special day. A day to celebrate life and God's goodness in this life.

I have a tradition on my birthday to ask the Lord for a word for the year ahead. Last year was the big 40 and the Lord left the well known but beautiful piece in my heart about ...the Good Shepherd leading his sheep in green pastures. But also challenging through the valley of the shadow of death.

Looking back on my birthday today a year later, it has been a year of persevering. Trusting Him that He would be there to give me the hope, faith and strength to finish well. Yes, looking back I can't say it was a hard year. Rather in the midst of it all there was a Place of knowing and trusting Him.

Being my Birthday again tomorrow I again wanted to come and sit and ponder about the last year but also wanting to ask Him what is on His heart for me in the year ahead.
Waiting for a Word, a thought.....something I can hold on, pray out as a ray of hope in the midst of "whatever" to come.

The words of a popular song came to my heart. "Fly, fly like an eagle, My love will carry you, high...high above the sun.." The song brings tears to my eyes and a big lump to my throat. I honestly can't see myself flying like an eagle...yet... He has hopes and dreams for me ...to see me spread my wings in freedom flying above my own issues, short comings, distorted view of who I am.

I want to believe. He then again sees the real me, the full picture and He dreams about me gliding out and above over what holds me back to who He has made me to be...
What a beautiful picture to hold onto and ponder through for the year ahead. A picture of hope to cling to in those times when I doubt my potential. When I'm not seeing the full picture but sensing the tug on my heart to want more. The full picture is in His hands.

Even if it is not what I have hoped for, He will work it out for my good. Pushing the fear back..stepping out into the light, knowing with His love under my wings I can fly high and free. Not just holding onto a dream but living my dreams. Not watching the hopes unfold in my mind...but living in it with fullness. Feeling the wind under my wings...the wind of His love allowing me to go higher and dream bigger.
Not to live a dream but live a life!

A life where He is glorified through my obedience to Him.

So tomorrow in faith I will trust Him to step with me into the next year of my life. Hoping to look back in a year's time knowing how it feels to fly high like an eagle when I feel like a Tweetie-bird now.