I'm not here to be known....but so He will be known

I thoughtfully listened to the familiar sounds in my neighborhood as I bend down to pick up the dead autumn leaves from the gravel floor of our garden. My neighbor playing ball with her grandchild, the sound of a broom sweeping away dry leaves, the tingling sound of a teaspoon being stirred in a little glass teacup. And here next to the fence the crackling sound of the big dog next door chewing on a plastic bottle.

As I drop the handful of dead leafs into the bucket I thought how comforting these familiar sounds are, but at the same time the very real but almost painful question came up in my heart: “Will I ever be fully known and enjoyed by my dear neighbors and the beautiful friendly people of this country?” My heart, my sense of humor, what I love, what I delight in and even what makes me sad. How I feel about events in the world. My love and heart for God. Why I do things in certain ways and then most of all why I am really here.

I have been part of many neighborhood coffees, birthday celebrations, baby showers, unexpected visitors for coffee or tea and the fun of spontaneously meeting with my neighbors in the street for a quick chat. Pushing the leaves even deeper into the bucket my uneasy thoughts raced forth. I have really tried to live out myself in my new culture. Learning the language and culture, making an effort to get to know my neighbors, even cooking and shopping with them. Sweeping my part of the street and kindly sweeping in front of my neighbors gate too. Having the kids in local school has been a big stretch but it has been such a good way to enter into our community here. But still I feel a foreigner, unknown.

I wonder how long it will take me to be comfortable in my local language. At a local school event the other day one of the mothers friendly reached out to me and invited me to come and sit next to her. She was very sweet and we talked about school events and the weather. I told her: “Last winter the lemons on the lemon tree banana, the little plants in my garden banana and even the banana trees banana to the ground.” Yes, I got the word for banana and freeze mixed up. How she managed to keep a straight face I’m not sure.

I know the language is just one area of sharing who I am, but it is a big part of the way my neighbors can get to know me. Being asked very open, provoking and sensitive questions like: “Where do you get your money from? What work does your husband do?” This does not help myself confidence in initiating visits. Trying to answer these questions with integrity has been a challenge. I can sometimes feel the red raising from my neck into my face as I face these true honest but not easy to answer questions.

I do not always want to avoid talking about how much money we get and have or what we really do. Or just pick the weather as a good, safe subject. Or sit in a conversation where my neighbors talk and I honestly have no clue what they are talking about or where the conversation are heading. Or being talked about while I’m sitting there and the conversation going on as if I’m not in the room.

Sadly crouching now next to the bucket of brown dead autumn leaves these words of truth rose up in my heart “Karin, you are not here so you can be known…you are here so I can be known by them.” How clearly these words rang through my heart as it brought all into perspective. Taking these questions and unmet needs and expectations to the foot of the Cross is the best place to get peace and answers. Where I’m known for who I am, where He celebrates my uniqueness. I am here because of Him. I desire to see my neighbors and friends touched and changed by His love and truth. A bread baked with love and wrapped up in a new dish towel, a cake plate filled with cookies, a bunch of flowers dropped off with a smile and hug says more than many words could ever say.

By time I will learn more about the cultural unspoken cues and the language. For now I probably will create many more miles of smiles with my broken attempt so speak in the local language. I will choose to keep my eyes on Him. Knowing when it is a good time to bless my neighbors and wisdom in what to say. Taking my own thoughts of doubt and inadequacy to Him to speak truth and hope into my heart. Praying for my neighbors and being alert to their needs. Living myself out as best as I can for His glory and remembering I’m not firstly here to be known but I’m here so He would be fully known by them.
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