MORE THAN A CHINESE CUP OF GREEN TEA

As I heard the knock on the door of your typical Central Asian yard, I frustratedly put the pencil down and wondered who it was that was dropping by on this hectic, impossible morning. I was trying to home school, and also entertain a very active and persistent toddler on the side.

I heard my husband opening the door and converse in our host language. I watched him with an unimpressed look on my face walking two traditionally covered and dressed elderly ladies to our kitchen door. He stared at me through the glass of the kitchen door window and as our eyes met we both knew this was the right thing to do. He opened the door and softly explained to me that they came to pray in our home as it was one of these ladies brother's that died in our home before we moved in. He added on that they will not be staying long. "Will not be staying long!" I repeated in my mind. Tea in this case and culture was not just a cup of green tea in printed Chinese cups! When unknown older woman dressed very culturally like this unexpectedly drop in I have to put out bread in the center of the table with nuts, raisins, cookies, candy, fruit, covering the table in little plates and bowls and they could possibly be staying for lunch too.

I remembered us visiting this house the night the kind old man, now the brother of one of these ladies died. I can still see my husband kneeling at his bed praying for him, my husband really liked him and they had good conversations but never had an opportunity to share the gospel with him. He was deeply touched and saddened by this.

I greeted the ladies culturally, respectfully and seated them at the main seats at our kitchen table. They were somber, series and explained who they were and why they came. I got going with making green tea and setting the table as they talked. After pouring the green tea culturally and filling each Chinese little cup I sat myself down. My eyes scanned their sad faces but I kept coming back to the most elderly ladies face. She seemed the most bothered and the lines around her eyes and mouth reminded me of a story of hardship and pain.

As if "lightning struck" my thoughts and heart shocked back to a place of sensing God's heart, I felt the feeling dawning on me that they were there not by mistake and God had an appointment with them. I was so occupied in my own little world that morning with what I needed to do that I never had set my mind on what God wanted to do! I knew then that there was a purpose in their untimely visit! I felt in my heart that this elderly lady was there seeking more than just to visit and pray at her brother's house. I asked my husband to translate this to her. I felt my heart miss a beat when she answered: "Yes, I am ill and in much pain!"

At this moment there was another knock at the gate of our yard as a another lady, a local believing lady came unexpectedly to visit. She sat down at the table and we explained to her who these ladies were and what I felt in my heart. With boldness and courage she explained and shared about Jesus and the Bible.

We prayed together for this elderly lady. It was as if a light got switched on in her heart when we said Amen. Her face changed and she was actually smiling she looked years younger. I can't remember if she was healed that day but I do remember the significant change in her eyes, face and the almost hop in her step as she walked away from our home that day with a Bible in her hand.

How many cups of green tea I poured that morning I can not remember either but I know this dear lady got much more than a "Chinese cup of green tea" that day!

Final draft: A PATH THROUGH HER HEART

Seldom was Orpah (not her real name) waiting outside our home in the afternoons, along with the fifteen-some children wanting to come inside and play with our daughter Melika’s toys. Rather, she would sit in the grassy field across from our home, guarding her family’s cow as it grazed. I would often watch her through the window. Though she seemed uninterested in us foreigners, something about her caught my interest. Was it her neglected look, or her quiet way that sparked my curiosity? I wondered how I could reach out to this young girl.

One day I got an idea. Armed with a needle, material, pattern and bright colored thread, I marched across the field. She immediately touched my heart with her gentle, shy and kind way, but I also sensed her wit and inner strength. Little did I know that day what a beautiful path our friendship would follow, hand-in-hand with Him, through the next few years. She became a delightful part of our family. She saw Melika take her first steps and Talitha, our second daughter, being brought home to Central Asia as a tiny three-month-old baby and … often the best and worst of me.

Through the years—our joys, sicknesses, hardships and sorrows—Orpah was there, a very good friend, daughter, and sister to us all. Etienne, my husband, came down with a really bad case of hepatitis when I was five months pregnant with Talitha. We often feared the worst and battled in prayer for his life. Faithfully Orpah came every afternoon to help me with what she could. Like the time when she chopped wood for our wood stove and misjudged the distance between her thumb and the axe, resulting in the top of her thumb hanging by a piece of skin. Talk about trauma—her fainting on me, with blood all over.

She had a deep love and respect for Etienne. During the worst of his hepatitis, with him in bed deathly ill, she would go and sit on a chair in his room and watch the JESUS film in her language. He watched it for language study, but she was deeply stirred by the story. I stopped counting how many times they watched it. Once tears rolled down her face.



Etienne asked her why she was crying. “I don’t know,” she answered. She ended up praying the sinner’s prayer that afternoon with him. Afterward, her face changed significantly, resembling a soft light beaming. She was changed for God, and ruined for the ordinary, as He formed a path of love through her heart in which to dwell and teach her about Himself.



That night we prayed together and sent her home with a Bible in her own language, concerned for what might await her as she would to tell her family that she had become a Christian.



As new-found friends in faith, we would often pray together for one another and various friends and projects, not realizing then that I was discipling Orpah to be a mother, housekeeper, cook, wife, and someone who would love Jesus and her neighbors—becoming who Jesus made her to be. She did not have an easy life at home with her harsh mother and verbally abusive father. She would often come to our home discouraged and depressed. I became desperate as I felt overwhelmed with my own life’s demands, pressures, and family, besides her walking around with a long face. God knew where He was going with this. I often talked and prayed with her, seeking to instill hope and joy. Then one day we talked about God being our encourager, the One who lifts our depressed souls and strengthens our hearts. The One who speaks life into situations that bring death to our hearts. That inner gentle Voice who whispers words of truth that change our lives for ever.

The next day Orpah burst into the door smiling and talking excitedly. I could hardly keep up with what she was trying to tell me. Normally when her father lashed out at her she would go and sit in the pit toilet, far in the corner of their yard, and cry. The night before, she had gone to hide in the toilet and cry her heart out, but this time it was different. She asked God to speak encouragement to her desperate state of mind and hurting heart. She excitedly told me how she asked Him what He had to say.



“I love you, Orpah,” He said. She felt a soft whisper in her heart. It stripped away all the pain, guilt, depression, and discouragement. I knew then she would be just fine if ever we would move away, and I would lose contact with her. Jesus was now the Lover of her soul and the One who had made a path through her heart.

She now knows His soft, gentle voice that speaks words of life in moments when all else screams death. What more than this would I want one of my own daughters to know?

You know the depth of my heart......

You Know the Depth of my Heart……

I went on the bus down the long hill into the city on a little very needed personal retreat….. Sitting there at the open window with the Spring wind playing through my hair and my face raised like a sunflower bathing in the sunlight…… desperately grabbing in my heart for answers and comfort listening to worship music, seeking God to bring peace to the storm that I experience deep within. I kept reminding myself that: “The Joy of the Lord is my strength!” This morning in school I prayed out loud at a moment of battle with my overwhelming emotions: “Lord I choose to praise you, I choose to see you in the midst of my struggle, I’m asking for wisdom and strength, you are my light and my salvation, I choose to see You as the Anchor in my storm….” When I looked up I caught my seven year old daughter Talitha wide eyed watching me as I wiped the tear rolling down my cheek.

I’m struggling with feelings of desperation, tiredness, weariness and just feeling overwhelmed with demands of life. I went to hide, pray, write and drink coffee at a place that I love, one thing for the cheap coffee and free refills and the other for the atmosphere. I sat there thinking over the last few weeks in my life as it feels the most intense emotionally and wondered what was going on. Do I have deep unresolved issues surfacing, do I have blind spots I’m missing? Is God at work or am I being ignorant? My heart feels like the box of Pandora in the Greek myth when it opened and all these horrible things jumped out!

I sat there running my thoughts through events taking its toll on my emotions and life…the kids going to local school, the pressure of their adjustment not to only school in a different language but culture and mountains of homework in it, supporting my youngest daughter Talitha with learning and doing it in a new language. Keeping my two year old boy Andrew happy during these intense school mornings where he is battling for his time with his mommy. My dad being diagnosed with cancer recently…..and receiving radiation therapy, I’m feeling so helpless knowing my mom needs more support. Wondering and hoping that our visa will come thru after waiting for a year and half now. Etienne my husband is finally over his burnout after struggling for quite a while. The pressure of living in a different culture trying to find our place and way and becoming part of a neighborhood and getting to know my neighbors and really trying to have a grip on the language. Oh and off course keeping up a household and the pressures of being a good mom, wife with cooking and cleaning. Struggling to loose weight going from the one “good idea” in loosing weight to the other with very little results. Wondering about my hormones as I feel like I’m living on the edge of something that does not “feel right”. Looking back at these it feels almost to much to handle.

As I was sitting there drinking coffee thinking and pondering I heard and look over to see a little girl threw this huge tantrum kicking and screaming on the floor. I sat their thinking with a smile, not such a bad idea at all! I just sat there in peace and contentment sipping my coffee thinking how nice and thoughtful it was of Etienne to send me out of the house today to go somewhere and spend some time on my own to reflect and pray. Life is good! Thank you Lord that in the midst of my storm and struggles you are my Anchor and Provider….you have always been there. I can take time somewhere and spend it in your care and comfort.

As I got on the bus to come back home a man behind me did not have enough money on his bus card to pay for the trip. I remembered myself a few months ago falling over the first step of a full bus with my way to heavy grocery bags and food rolling down the ile of the bus and then on top of that not having enough money to pay for my trip. I remembered this kind man picking up my groceries and this sweet old lady paying for my trip. So I swiped my card twice in gratefulness, joy and thanksgiving, knowing Jesus would have done the same!

Sitting on the bus trip climbing the hill back home I listened to Chris Tomlin sang…….”you know the depth of my heart and you love me the same…..you are amazing God!” I marveled in God’s goodness and His understanding of all I’m going through, and as the bus turned the street corner at the local school in our neighborhood, I scanned over the sea of dark haired kids on the playground seeing if I could see my blond hair, blue eyed little girl hopping and playing. I felt grateful, ready and refreshed to come home and be where God has made and prepared a place for me……With my hand in His then I made a new commitment and choice and it was as if in my heart I was touched and strengthened. I don’t have easy answers for issues and emotions I’m working through but I know you are here Lord seeing my desperate state of mind and heart…..BUT YOU LOVE ME THE SAME……YOU ARE AMAZING GOD……

.....The Red Sea....EXPERIENCE......

"What on earth could lead a person at the right state of mind to a place like the edge of the Red Sea?" Not so much about the specific place physically as much as it is the emotional part of being there and the whole event... playing itself out! Like the story of Moses and the Israelites in the Bible with the Egyptians behind them and the sea in front of them. I'm talking about the "place"...when all else falls away and becomes insignificant...when He becomes everything that matters! When death stands there with it's black robe smiling....ready to take it all! Why would I want to face that? Even come to such a place and situation in my life?

Can a God that created me, formed me in my mother's womb with such love and affection bring me in love to such a point as the edge of the Red Sea? When all else are forced away and cut from my heart....When all that matters to me faints away...How can He delight in these moments in my life? Does He not lead me lovingly and tenderly to the edge of the sea....even showing me the way...knowing what is to come....Does He not sustain me there...as I wait in distress? Does he then not speak words of love and encouragement in my darkest hour? Does he not look deep into my soul and bring me comfort there....Is it not a moment when our hearts are tested like pure gold in the furnace burning wildly. Is it not most painful and wonderful at the same time....when we see our hearts for what it really is....what it really loves, believes and trusts....

That moment of looking back at the Egyptians coming and the anguish of facing the sea before me...But did I miss seeing the column of fire keeping me warm by night and the cloud leading me in the day? You are there with me Lord, you led me out of my Egypt you shared your hopes and dreams with me...much higher and more exalted than what I can see or conceive. I'm holding onto your words and promises...really hoping that these words and promises are real and not just what I wanted and hoped for. That it is your words of life and truth! Lord standing at the edge of the Red Sea I need those promises to bring hope, helping me not to look at the Egyptians coming but make a choice in faith to take my stand here at the edge of the sea. I need to know that you are here Lord. I'm recalling your faithfulness even to the edge.. with my feet in the water.....

Can I even come to a moment and conceive... knowing that if you.. do not not part the Red Sea...that I will not cast my heart there and draw my soul away!...But that I will make a choice and hope in you desperately.. calling on you....If not Lord and my soul and heart lay slaughtered at the edge of the Sea....can I then again pick myself up and look to You? Can I then in my disappointment, weakness and pain make peace with You? I know You are my God, there is no other like You! Even though I do not always understand...I know it is a choice I need to make then....it will come I know the choice will be eventually You again....In the darkness of my darkest hour I know Your grace is there and will lead me to You. I know that You will be my strength, hope and God then....

Oh Lord and if you do part the Sea.....will I be surprise? Will I be totally shocked and in awe? Will I be on my knees or will I fall on my face in worship? You are God! You are God! I know you will lead me thru the Red Sea on dry ground....being my companion my God.....as you said You will be....

My heart and desires can be deceiving...but You are steadfast! You are a strong tall pillar in the storm not wavering or swaying in the strength of the wind....but a light in my darkest hour....

MY HEART DWELLS......HERE

When can I really say....this...here...this is where I live....truly live????? When can I say....this is home????? Like the verse says: "There where the treasure is there the heart will also be." I think time is a good decision maker and answer provider on these questions. When theirs is yours and yours becomes theirs! A friend once said, that you know you have been in a place a long time when a death in your neighborhood touches you deeply. Also I think when the major differences between them and you becomes insignificant ...When the funny foods, smells, clothes and colors becomes part of your daily life and liking. A person in a house next door....becomes a neighbor with a name... and then a dear friend. How and then this happens....I believe is one of those beautiful things we don't have an answer to.

This might sound like...rose petal pink covered sponge cake...but it's not! Becoming part of a different culture, language, neighborhood and people is a process and sometimes a very painful process. It is a process of the mind, heart and will....It is also a lovely journey of smells...tastes....sounds...colors and feelings.

Let me take your mind walking thru the place here where my heart has found a dwelling place...I think the way a place smells is what brings back the most vivid memories to me. All places has its great and then not so great smells.I will start of with my favorite...coffee! Nothing smells better than a fresh cup of foaming, sweet Turkish coffee served in those delightful little cups. On a more sober topic... the big dumpsters here in every street and on every street corner! Of all the smells this gets my nose the most. I often keep my breath when I walk past these in the summer. Great for my lung capacity! Oh the "thrill" when I forgot about this...and go smelling along one...Oh! Oh! Oh! It is a mixture between rotten vegetables, fruit and all things bad.

I love the smell and sounds in the bazaar....it smells like fruit, vegetables, fresh herbs and then often not so good rotten cut off leaves on the side, the fish mongers runaway water and the cheese stands left overs....It is comforting smells and make me always smile on my way back home up the hill to our home. But like all wise men say the real test lays in the tasting. Sweet dark, strong coffee, fresh herbs with lemon and fresh ground black pepper....black, strong, sweet tea...spices that takes you on a trip.... to a different Era in history.

I think I often miss out on the sounds here...I find myself so occupied in what I'm busy with in my direct little world. I do catch myself listening to the call of prayer....when the wind blows and carries the sounds in the direction of our home. It has become a comforting sound...a sound of MY neighborhood and home. It also reminds my heart and mind of why I'm here.....

It feels like home, what more can I hope or ask for? As a foreigner this has become home with all its sounds, smells and differences. Walking the streets and standing in the schoolyard waiting with the other mothers for the school bell to ring....I then look around...and feel like I belong. No one is staring or asking.. we are all waiting together... standing up straight when the Anthem plays...and I only catch a word here and there, but then honestly I have to admit that I often get a lump in my throat when the music starts...and a gentle feeling of love for this people rises in my heart....

Many photo's and postcards can tell beautiful stories of places...but the real beauty lays in the heart of the people that lives there. The look in their eyes..the way they love their children. The way they stare when no one is looking...the lonely..happy, sad, discouraged or angry stares... Nothing can look more bad and ugly as that what is seen thru the eyes of him that does not want to see the good, the beautiful and the kind. God sees this nation...ALWAYS as a people that He loves...He longs for them to see Him for who He is....

Niene's JOY

NIENE`S JOY

I do not even know what her real name is...she was introduced to me as the grandmother and they called her Niene. I met her visiting a friends parents. I went there a few times before and my first impression of her was a lovely sweet old lady with caracter and more than what just the eye can see. She always asks about the children and how they are doing, she even had Andrew sitting on her feet ones and rocked him back and forth to help him when he was crying. She neve really did take part in the group converstations. But when I would come and sit next to her she would always ask me how I was doing.

She had a peaceful, calmness about her that made me like her from the start. On this particular day when I came to visit the family again she was peacefully sitting in the large chair where she always sits. Resting with her head on the back of the chair. She opened her eyes when I came in and gracefully stood up slowly and greeted me with a kiss on the cheek.

Her daughter and son in law are both terminal ill. She proudly told me that she was in her nineties and her head was clear but her body old and weak. She told me smiling that she was the oldest of the three in the house but the healthiest. As she talked I wondered with compassion what will happen to her when her daughter and son in law passes away. How difficult and hard it must be for her to see them slowly dying.

The doorbell rang and a whole group of people arrived. They all started greeting Niene with such love and tenderness, but there was one particular young man that I noticed. He greeted her joyful, playfully pinched her cheek, but with such love and care. It was like someone switched the light on in her eyes and face. He asked his young wife to move up on the couch and invited Niene dearly with his hand to come and sit between them. Niene was so beautiful as she sat there beaming.

He lovingly had his one arm around her shoulder and the other arm on her lap holding her hands. He kept touching and pinching her cheek and lovingly would smile at her. She proudly told me it was her grandson which she has not seen for a while. There was such joy and contentment in her voice and words. For the first time I saw Niene smiling, shining and overflowing.

I sat there in silence enjoying the beauty of the moment, almost to afraid to take my eyes of her, she was so beautiful and happy. The group started greeting their goodbyes and then off to the door. I sat there wondering what Niene was feeling in her heart. She came as usually and sat in the chair I have always seen her sit. She did not speak much but there was a sparkle in her eyes as she smiled at me.

As I sat on the bus home that day I could not forget the joy that I saw on Niene`s face. It will be a picture of her I will cherish in my heart. It is not just the picture that was beautiful but the whole event in life that made those moments so precious.

STANDING IN THE RIVER

STANDING IN THE RIVER

Our years living in the village in Central Asia were not what I would call a physical beautifying experience. The water was scarce and hard, the weather had no grace....summers baking hot and winters freezing cold with very little heating. Life was primitive with a pit toilet in the yard, not much good body products for sale to smooth those rough skins and dry brittle hair. Oh and the toothpaste had no kick. Yes, if you were willing to haul some beauty products in your suitcase from abroad it could come...if you had the weight allowance?

Then again the local woman around me had rough skins and such. I wanted to fit in and not stand out like a foreigner; we did not have much money to spend much on beauty products anyway. I still smile at my interesting observation. When we ladies living and working there would come back from our trips from our home countries we would have the newest hair cuts, cute clothes and shoes and even put make up on daily. Then as time pass by it would.....slowly fade. The hair styles again would become a usual daily ponytail, the make up less and the clothes in shade definitely fading. It was then again the more natural look. At times even leaning towards looking somewhat neglected.

One day a dear lady came and visit in our town. She gathered us woman together for a time of visiting and sharing. I vividly remember us sitting in a circle around the typical low table with flat mattresses on the floor. Green tea being served out of round Chinese printed cups on plastic bright printed table clothes.

She shared from her heart about personal experience and difficulties. Then she hit the nails of our hearts full on the head with these words; "In twenty years time you ladies are not going to be the beauties in the world. Your skin is going to be telling a story of many hot summers and cold winters. You would have probably suffered diseases and hardships. Life would have taken its toll on your age." We did not need to hear much more than this. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and the lump in my throat testified of the knowledge of the truth of what she was saying.... as I look across the table I did not see one person eyes not full of tears. Life felt harsh, I did feel run down and the mirror did not lie. Yes when last did I have a good haircut?

She continued:” But God says you are going to be beautiful to Him in your hearts and souls. You would have walked a life of suffering and faith. You would have endured much. You would be strong in Him. You would be the spiritual giants of this world. Some of us were wailing now. We were touched to the core. What a beautiful opportunity we had to share our hearts and longings that day to understand one another's needs. We prayed together and were comforted by the beautiful truth of this message.

She then played this song by a group called Delirious.

"FIND ME IN THE RIVER.....find me in the river find me on my knees. I've walked against the water now I'm waiting if you please. We've long to see the roses but never felt the thorns and bought our pretty crowns but never paid the price.

Find me in the river; find me on my knees with my soul laid bare. Even though you are gone and I'm cracked and dry...

Find me in the river...I'm waiting here.

We didn't count on suffering we didn't count on pain but if the blessing is in the valley then in the river I will wait."

Looking back now almost twelve years I fondly but thoughtfully carry this message in my heart. I do think the weather and difficulties of life has taken its toll on my age and physic. But I do hope that one day I can look into the mirror of my heart and see myself as He sees me. Yes, it is true....physical beauty fades by time...but I do believe what lasts are those beauties in our hearts. The choice we make to forgive, to turn the other cheek, to walk the extra mile, to do without some things so someone else can have...giving to others from ourselves more than what we hoped or planned......

These things then would be the true jewels in our hearts.......

HER LIFE IS SURELY A GIFT…..Melika’s Story

Zoe means life in Hebrew. We decided to give her this name to remind us and her of what God has done for us. She just loves that being her second name, reminding her of the special opportunity in life she was given. In school she engraved “Zoe” on a little wooden plague which hangs in her room among her special treasures. When I told her that I wanted to write the beautiful story of her life from my heart she jokingly said that I should be careful not to cry all over the computer it might break. She knows when I share or even just listen to this story being told I’m so stirred emotionally that there is always tears running……this will always be the story of much joy and a sweet reminder that grace is not something we deserve but given by God…..

Before Melika was there I felt a beautiful impression that children were a gift from God, it was as if deep in my heart I was asked this gentle question. As if God was offering me the opportunity to receive this gift. I remember us standing outside the pit toilet in our yard with trembling hands awaiting the news on the pregnancy test. What a joy it was when the two lines were visible. A few weeks into this my first pregnancy we were sleeping outside in the yard on a flat wooden platform (a very Central Asian thing to do in the summer). Etienne felt God speaking to Him:”I will protect your child; do not submit to fear.”

We were so excited about having a baby; at eleven weeks into my pregnancy we drove to a nearby town to have a routine ultrasound. The news was not at all what we expected. “I am sorry the fetus has no heartbeat!” We could not believe what we were hearing. It was like cold shivers running up and down my body. What a disappointment……the doctor gave us a medical report saying the fetus was dead and there was no heartbeat……. he even included a little ultrasound photo of the dead fetus and told us we could come back the next day to have it removed…

The news was devastating and we were shocked. We decided to travel to the capital city the next day to get a second opinion.The next day at the Medical Clinic we had a few doctors and midwifes trying to find the heart beat of our baby thru the ultrasound machine….there was no heartbeat, no movement and no life! Thru a medical insurance company we were flown to England the next day to receive medical treatment. As we only traveled to the capital city for a short visit, I was totally unprepared and had no clothes with me to fly to England. I had to borrow some shoes a size to big that gave me horrible blisters and a jacket with shoulders like an American football player, I must have been quite a sight. God provided just the right place for us to stay in England.

We attended a prayer time that Monday morning at a little Chapel in the neighborhood where we were staying. There was a man from Argentina sharing from God’s word. We stood in the back of this little chapel crying during the worship and feeling so desperate for God to touch us. Yet Etienne remembered the word God spoke to him not to fear but God will protect our baby. I can not remember much of what the speaker was sharing about, but it was on raising Lazarus from the dead and Peter walking on the water. He was challenging the people to trust God for “the impossible”; not knowing that “the impossible” was standing in the back of the Chapel. After he shared a dear friend of ours went forward and asked that people please pray for us…..they gathered around us and lifted us up in prayer. Afterwards the man from Argentina came outside into the garden and prayed over us again…this time I heard him shout in English…..LIFE FOR THIS BABY…. I can not say that I felt touched emotionally in any way, rather hoping that his prayer will come true.

We could only see the doctor that evening. My heart was going back and forth, I was not sure what to expect, hope for or trust God for. Was this His plan, what did He want to do? Should I hope and cherish this little baby or is the fetus really dead and should I say goodbye? Etienne went for a walk that afternoon before the doctor’s visit. He came back so encouraged and told met that he felt God spoke clearly to his heart: “I gave your child back to you, you need to worship me….not because I gave your child back to you…BUT BECAUSE I AM GOD”….. I did not sense the same height of excitement as he and was rather nervous as to what the news from the doctor would be that evening. The doctor looked at the report and scanned photo that we brought with us and said that it did not look hopeful……..my heart was so heavy and I at times I wished that this nightmare would just end….. Not wanting to hope and not wanting to give up on a wonderful opportunity for a miracle either. He asked us to come to a different hospital the next day for a clarifying ultrasound. I knew this was going to be the moment where we would know what was going on……Where the doctor will make the final decision.

I remember my hand palms being sweaty and cold laying there on the bed with the ultrasound machine being switched on….what was the news going to be….God did you really gave our baby back to us…. going thru my mind? The lady asked us if we can hear it.........the machine had a rhythmic sound duff, duff, duff, duff……at first I thought surely that must be my own heartbeat……. “This is the heartbeat of your baby!” We gave deep, painful cries of relieve and could not stop crying….the joy, our baby was alive but MORE…..God you really gave our baby back……God you did a miracle…..SHE WAS DEAD NOW SHE IS ALIVE……I could barely focus my eyes thru the tears on the little figure on the screen moving, twisting and turning……there she was…..!!!!!!

With such relieve, joy and gratefulness we received the medical report saying the fetus had a heartbeat and was alive and normal! Wow what a moment in life! The words “Thank you God, oh thank you God” kept going thru my mind. I felt so undeserving of experiencing God’s miraculous power in a miracle like this. He is God and He decided to give her back to us. I had no more answers and no more questions. I knew He was in control and wanted this sweet little baby girl to live…….grow up and know Him.

A friend in deep pain asked me one day, “Why did my baby have to die, why did God not give him back to us?” I was deeply touched with compassion and sadly did not have an answer for her, He gives and takes and we do not understand….but He is God and I choose to trust that He knew why……..

Melika is ten years old this year and a beautiful young lady loving God. I love seeing her big brown eyes lit up with joy and delight when we share this beautiful story. I know God has a plan for her life. She has a powerful testimony to share…… And me? I smile with tears in my eyes….GRATEFUL…. knowing that He is God of my life……

A TIMELY WORD IN SEASON.....

When I think of summer I think of roses, tall glasses of iced coffee and the beach....Winter again makes me think and long for hot soup, lots of rain, hot chocolate and thick woolly warm socks. Walking thru memory lane reflecting over the last few years of my life made me identify and appreciate different events and times. At this stage as I look back I can see definite seasons of life and "happenings" and tag them to a birth, moving to a new culture, country or house.

These changing seasons of life off course are part of life and unavoidable, like the earth moving around the sun. They are not always the most convenient, wanted or easy to live thru or even just to handle. I know Summer with it's beauty and life..it will give way to Autumn with death and deep warm colors, I know that every season of life will have it's own memories later to ponder and walk thru.

I'm not fully sure why I do not like physical change. Like the type of change where you pack up, give or sell away and say goodbye. Maybe it has to do with my sentimental side that loves people and carry the memory of them for years in my heart.

When we moved to this city I knew it was the start of a new Season! The day we flew here my heart was still left in Central Asia.. I still felt cut to the bone grieving my beloved country and friends. Like meeting a new friend and you just not feel ready for a new friendship! Moving here felt like it came like a season just to quick...like when it rains ice in spring when the fruit trees have blossoms....It felt like winter was here to soon I did not have time to prepare for it and was freezing.....and not ready.

We walked the streets of our city day after day in mid summer heat looking for an apartment with rental signs in the windows. After a while the children did not do well with the heat and walking, me and Etienne would take turns going out. I would go in the morning armed with my little paper with phrases and water bottle ready..... to find a place. After a week my feet were covered in blisters and I just did not have shoes that did not pressed on a blister. But I was determined and time pressed every morning to find a place to stay before we had to be out where we were staying.

In His timing He provided the perfect apartment for our family. It even had a fountain in the court yard!
But the owner used this apartment for storage and used it at times when they came to our city. We had time preasure and were desperate to move at a definite date. The morning we arranged to move in....when we arrived we discovered that they have never moved out! All their stuff were as if they were living there heaps and heaps of things.

We stood in the hallway of the apartment in shock and disbelieve. We had to move in that day we had no choice. All we could do was to pack up their things and arrange with them to move it that day. As I walked thru the apartment anger, disapointment and hopelessness overtook me. I just did not have it in me to face this yet another mayor challenge. I felt so tired of all the moving around, the stress of finding a place before we had to be out where we were staying, walking the streets in the heat of summer, trying to understand what people were saying, and just living in a new culture with small children. I faintly excused myself and closed the toilet door behind me. I sat on the closed toilet seat trying to control my upwelling emotions.

I cried and cried....until I felt I could pray.....All I could get out was: "Lord please please tell me this is not Your perfect will for me for today!" I begged. I felt gently, slowly and clearly the words forming in my heart: "Karin this is my perfect will for you for today!" I sat there for a while pondering the truth in my heart.

It was as if all else fell away.... I knew then that.... I WILL have all the physical, emotional energy I would need to get thru that day and situation. It was as if a fresh breeze swept thru my heart and mind, as if strength entered my body and hope my mind. I made a decision, stood up in faith, washed my red puffy eyes and opened the toilet door with new hope and vision as a lady on a mission with God as her helper!

That evening late the landlord came with a truck to pick up their packed belongings, and only then we could get going to move our stuff into our new apartment. I remember falling into bed that night dead tired but blessed. I had a place of Refuge. A God that hears our every cry. A personal Friend that speaks words of truth, life and encouragement to our hearts in a place of need, desperation and despair.

PSALM 18 V 2

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."

He did say that He will provide in our EVERY NEED....

HE DID SAY......THAT HE WILL PROVIDE IN OUR...EVERY NEED....

Thru all these years of living in faith....there is not a moment, an event a situation where I can walk thru in my memory and say: "Oh there, here You did not provide, you did not come thru!" It was not always the provision I'd exspect or even sometimes wanted, but it always turned out to be what I needed or the best solution for a situation.

I remember sitting on the floor of our first newly rented house in Central Asia scraping many years of cooking fat of the kitchen floor with a screw driver. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as the scraping continued, I felt so overwhelmed with the job and the house with seventeen broken windows. I felt sorry for myself and the task at hand. A dear friend that lived in that part of the world for many years said, "Nothing cleans like a wet paint brush." Very true and wise words those. God provided a timely financial gift and we had all the floors in the house painted to my relieve and joy.

I also know and believe that He is not a Father that just give what His children want. Sometimes like I said the outcome is not always what we wanted or expected but what is the best for us or others. We lived without a washing machine for our first two years in CA. I was washing by hand and we were hauling wet washing in bags on a bicycle back and forth from friends home that had a washing machine. Then at last there were a new washing machine again for sale at a local store in our little town. I was so excited! Etienne went numerous times talking to the store owner about buying this the only washing machine for sale in weeks in all of town, and bargaining for a good price. Then a family with small children came to work with us and we were asked to give them the opportunity to buy the washing machine instead. Oh was I disappointed, I sulked in despair. But in His goodness He knew. Shortly another washing machine was for sale again and we were able to buy it. He did provide!

Oh and I remember the time as a newly wed when I was admiring and saving for a specific dress. I just did not have enough money to buy it. There was a friend of ours at the store the day I went, not knowing my situation she felt to give me some money as a gift. I had enough money for my dress marked down on sale that day and even had money left over.

But the actual heart of this writing is the story about the dumpster chair. It stands on the porch like a Light House shining forth the message of God's provision. This story is the one event that "Blew this duck from the pond." With new joy I have discovered and experienced the Lord knowing our hearts, our every need and desire. He specializes in meeting our deepest thoughts and needs.

When having my afternoon coffee break.... I like to sit on a comfortable chair with my feet up. The time in the day when all is silent and I think.....With our newly rented house came a wooden bench on the porch too. It's cute and durable but not so comfortable to sit... like I like to sit with a cup of coffee. For many weeks I would sit on it pondering how nice it would be to have a comfortable chair on the porch. My hopes became wishful prayers not really asking but hoping.....those thoughts that start with:"Wow Lord you know what would really be nice!" It was during this time of pondering those thoughts when a friend phoned and said there was a good sturdy wooden chair being thrown away standing at a dumpster not far from our home. The kids and I ran down the hill and carried our wooden dumpster chair home. It was sturdy and durable but had a neglected look... that had a story to tell of many winters and summers outside.

I was very grateful for the chair....but I would sit on the wooden hard frame of this chair having my coffee thinking..... how nice it would be to have two big stuffed bulky pillows to go on the chair. How nice it even would be if it was made from typical Turkish woven cloth.....

A few weeks after we got the chair Etienne was taking trash out to the dumpster close to our home. He excitedly called me to come outside and look what he had found. There on the chair were two big, thick, the perfect size pillows in Turkish woven cloth! It was just what I wanted! I was crying tears of joy.....not as much for the pillows but because of the revelation of a God that knows my every need. I felt so known and understood and loved by Him. He knitted me together in my mother's womb and it did not stop there. He sees my hearts cry, every thought racing thru my mind....every desire of my heart.....He specializes in meeting the needs of His children......

A PATH thru her HEART........

Orpah was seldom part of the sometimes up to fithteen children outside our home in the afternoon... waiting to come inside and play with Melika`s toys. Every day after school she would sit in the field across our home gaurding her familie`s cow graizing in the grass. She became a familliar sight daily as I would often watch her thru the window. There was something about her that touched my heart. Maybe it was because she did not come like the other kids did, or just her neglected, peaceful look that stirred my mother heart. She was often dressed in old, ragged clothes, for sure hand me downs and visibly dirty hands and feet. I felt sorry for her....and wondered how I could be of meaning to this dear girl......

One day I got the bright idea to teach her to do cross stich then she could sit and work on that while watching the cow. Armed with a needle, material, pattern and bright coloured thread I walked across the field. She immediately stole my heart with her gentle kind way....but not being a pushover! She became a delightful part of our family. She saw Melika take her first steps, Talitha being brought home to CA as a tiny three months old baby and often the best and worst of me.....

Thru our joys, sickness, hardships and sadness Orpah was there and a very good friend, daughter and sister to us all. Etienne got a really bad case of hepatitis when I was five months pregnant with Talitha. We often feared and battled for his life during this time. Faithfully she came every afternoon to help me with what she could. Like the time when she chopped wood for our wood stove and misjudged the distance between her thumb and the axe......the result was the head of her thumb hanging on a piece of skin. Talk about trauma and her fainting on me with blood all over.

She had a deep love and respect for Etienne. During the worst time of his hepatitis with Him laying there deadly ill, she would go and sit on a chair in the room with him and watch the Jesus film in her language. Him doing it for language study and her being deeply stirred by the story of Jesus. How many times they watched it I stopped counting. After one of these times she had tears rolling down her face. Etienne asked her why she was crying. *I don`t know....* she answered. He prayed the sinners prayer that afternoon with her. Immediately after the prayer there was a significant change in her face...like a soft light beaming from her. She was changed and ruined for the ordinary! We send her home that night with mixed feelings... a Bible in her language and encouraged her to tell her family what happened.

She became a good friend and we would often pray for one another, situations and other people and work on various projects together. Not fully realising then that I was discipling Orpah to be a mother, house keeper, cook, wife and loving Jesus and her neighbours and fully being who Jesus made her to be.

She did not have an easy life at home with a harsh mother and verbally abusing father. She would often come to our home discouraged and depressed. I became desperate as I felt overwhelmed with my own life demands, pressures and family and then her walking around with a long face. God knew where He was going with this. I often prayed with her for hope and encouragment. Then one day again we talked about God being our hope and encourager, the One that lifts our depressed souls and strengthens our hearts. The One that speaks life into the situations that brings death to our hearts. Being that inner gentle Voice that whispers those words that changes our lifes for ever..

She burst into the door the next day smiling and talking excitedly, I could hardly keep up with what she was trying to tell me. She told me that normally when her father lashes out at her she would go and sit in the pit toilet far in the corner of their yard crying. It again happened the night before. She went to hide in the toilet and cry her heart out...but this time it was different. She asked God to speak encouragement to her desperate state of mind and hurting heart. She excitedly told me how she asked Him what He had to say. *I love you Orpah* She felt a soft whisper in her heart. It stripped away all the pain, guilt, depression and discouragement. She knew then how to find living water that brings life...

She became not only my dear friend but my daughter that lives in Central Asia. When we moved to another country..... the hardest part for me was leaving her behind.....We sometimes thru the years following had contact by e mail and even the odd telephone conversation....Lately we were not being able to make contact....But I know she will be OK! She knows, loves and serves Jesus with her whole heart...She knows how to open her heart and soul to His soft gentle voice that speaks words of life....in moments when all else screams death.... WHAT MORE.....THAN THIS DO I WANT MY OWN DAUGHTERS TO KNOW?

A TRUE TEACHER SHINES KINDNESS AND LOVE


BASED ON THE WOMAN OF PROVERBS 31


10 A teacher that truly loves and shines kindness who can find?
She is worth far more than great books, gourmet coffee or Swiss dark chocolate

11 Her student’s parents have full confidence in her and they have no lack in the schooling of their children

12 She brings forth great students who study with zeal and have great marks every day in Turkish school

13 She selects the right pages in their Turkish books and teaches them with eager, peace and lovingly

14 She is like a big Ikea Store filled with lovely scented candles and a joy to have in our city

15 She is always on time even when she has a prayer meeting at six every morning
She works inner beauty and character and rubs off on her students

16 She considers great gifts when they reach a goal set and out of the goodness of her heart always encourages them

17 She sets about her teaching work eagerly; her face is kind and her voice always gentle

18 She sees that her hard work has good fruit and her heart never looses hope

19 In her hand she only holds good books and the Bible, and read and uses it with delight

20 She opens her arms wide to give her students hugs and always willingly helps them with all their Turkish homework

21 When it snows or rain she still comes and wears her warm coat and heavy back pack

22 She has a green duvet cover and always looks dressed like a Good teacher

23 Her friends and students love and respect her and other families wish they had a teacher to help their kids like her

24 She makes great pies and chocolate chip cookies and always shares with us

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can even laugh at the jokes of her students

26 She speaks with wisdom and faith, and instruction is on her tongue

27 She watches over the work of her students and takes good care of not only their school work but also the state of their hearts

28 Her students take great pride in having such a good, kind teacher and the parents are very happy and grateful

29 Many teachers do great things but you surpasses them all

30 A good teacher can be charming but the real heart of the teacher the students know, but you are a teacher who fears the Lord and should be praised

31 Today on Teacher’s Appreciation Day we give you the reward you deserve: THE BEST TEACHERS AWARD

CELEBRATING LIFE'S JOURNEY

CELEBRATING LIFE'S JOURNEY......

It is middle autumn here in the Aegean; I have been wearing winter clothes for the last few weeks. Most of the trees in my garden have lost their leaves not even thinking of them having flowers. And here in the middle of a patch of grass the kumquat trees stands in full bloom with blossoms and bees buzzing for its nectar....Just this morning as I was hitting the dusty doormat against its stem and seeing the tiny white petals falling on the grass...I could not help but feel sorry for this tree being so out of season... But I know next year Spring it will have blossoms again and bear its fruit in Summer. Something about this tree and its SITUATION made me think of myself....

About fourteen years ago a lady shared a similar story with me. It was a picture she had in her heart about me. She saw me fully dressed in ski gear equipment, ready to ski the snowy slopes of high mountains. But I was walking in a dry barren, hot land over rocks sweating and falling. I was so out of place and season....struggling....

I was born the youngest of four children. I have always felt loved and wanted by my parents. They have given me the best they could. But as in all families and life, things sometimes do not work out as we have planned or hope for. Our family had our share of life circumstances and disappointments as I was growing up. These situations and circumstances do shape our hearts and the terrain of our souls. All along God had me in the palm of His hand. He has hand picked my family, have allowed every circumstance and situation in my life to shape me.....to form me to be Karin..... As hard as it is sometimes to understand some people and life... I know and believe He uses it all to form us according to His plan. I had to look back over my life and say..THANK YOU... Thank you Lord for my family for all that has come my way.......

Oh and then there are those regrets...But I know He has gently worked that out and brought life out of death, shining His light of forgiveness deep into my heart.....Looking at the familiar picture of the TAPESTRY with Him being the artist weaving every thread with such skill. The back of this tapestry looks quite sad and mixed up...but the front has the true picture of beauty....where He has brought all these happenings together into a beautiful picture....A beautiful TAPESTRY OF LIFE...

I have often heard people commenting on growing older. That all perfections fall away and you come to peace with who you really are. When exactly this happens I believe nobody really knows...but it is an inner peace that comes with an acceptance of who we really are. A unity in the heart, understanding and acceptance of the past...and a peace about the future. I have often struggled with the question of what my place is in life, my role the legacy I will leave behind???? As a mother and wife I have often answered this question with just being that. My role and function is that! But the truth is that I sometimes have to remind myself, this is not all there is to my role and function and who I am ....... ....This is my season my biggest role for now....my time and place to be a mother and wife and live my life to the full...But I know there is more in the next season of my life....

Remember He is the Master Weaver, the Artist behind the tapestry of our lives....Coming back to the picture of me being dressed to ski the snowy slopes and struggling among the dry barren rocks. This has often been the feeling of my heart. I can only be who I am....And I had to answer the question, then who am I? What are my giftings, what do I have that I can pour out generously? Taking this and celebrating this too; living them out. Being me to the fullness. Walking in faith and trusting God that as He has shaped my past, He will form my future. Finishing the tapestry of my life to His delight and glory.

I have often wondered about the picture of me being the skier in the dry rocky hills... But what I have not told you yet was the second part of this dear woman's heartfelt picture. She then did see me in my full ski wear; skiing the snowy slopes high on the mountain peaks in my full element with skill and joy. This picture brings such excitement, I am yearning and hoping for this too. Often I find myself in seasons where I do not feel the fullness a release of content and joy, and then at times in my life I have felt short lived pockets of being there in my fullness with the wind in my hair and the snowy slopes under my skis, skillfully moving along....

But I know if it was not for my seasons struggling in the rocky dry hills I would not have enjoyed and celebrated being on the snowy slopes in my fullness. Resting in the arms of the Master allowing Him to form and shape my circumstances and life. Without the one or the other my life would have been incomplete. I want to have peace about my past living fully for now...hoping in Him to shape my future according to His will....

It is about living to the full....bringing Him glory and honor...that is the JOY of celebrating being ME.....